EXPOSURE:
A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for four days, during which time an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds -- even pigeons -- avoided this potential source of sustenance. Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling, however, retained its advertised "creaminess."
RADIATION:
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for precisely 4 minutes -- the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20 seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich, characteristic aroma of artificial butter. After 1 minute, this aroma began to resemble the acrid smell of burning rubber. The experiment was aborted after 2 minutes, 10 seconds, when thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top of the oven. A second Twinkie was subjected to the same experiment. This Twinkie leaked molten white filling. When cooled, this now epoxylike filling bonded the Twinkie to its plate, defying gravity; it was removed only upon application of a butter knife.
EXTREME FORCE:
A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of approximately 120 feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto its back. The expected "splatter" effect was not observed. Indeed, the only discernible damage to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside. Otherwise, the Twinkie remained structurally intact.
EXTREME COLD:
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon removal, the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical properties had noticeably "slowed": the filling was found to be the approximate consistency of acrylic paint, while exhibiting the mercurylike property of not adhering to practically any surface. It was noticed that the Twinkie had generously absorbed freezer odors.
EXTREME HEAT:
A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie smoked and blackened and the filling in one of its "cream holes" boiled, the Twinkie did not catch fire. It did, however, produce the same "burning rubber" aroma noticed during the irradiation experiment.
IMMERSION:
A Twinkie was dropped into a large beaker filled with tap water. The Twinkie floated momentarily, began to list and sink, and viscous yellow tendrils ran off its lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluble artificial coloring. After 2 hours, the Twinkie had bloated substantially. Its coloring was now a very pale tan -- in contrast to the yellow, urine-like water that surrounded it. The Twinkie bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous texture. After 72 hours, the Twinkie was found to have bloated to roughly 200 percent of its original size, the water had turned opaque, and a small, fan-shaped spray of filling had leaked from one of the "cream holes." Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further analysis were abandoned when, under light pressure, the Twinkie disintegrated into an amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted.
SUMMARY OF RESULTS
The Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the unusual phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and artificial coloring, should give pause to those observers who would unequivocally categorize the Twinkie as "food." Further clinical inquiry is required before any definite conclusions can be drawn.
After reading, reviewing, and testing the results of the Twinkie Failure Testing, I concluded that further testing should be done to see if the twinkie phenomena were universal to Hostess products. Thus:
RADIATION:
The cupcake was placed in the microwave for a total of one minute (attempts past one minute produced burning odors the neighbors didn't appreciate). In the first 30 seconds, the frosting came to a boil and creamy filling oozed out of the cream hole in the top of the cupcake. A fissure appeared in the side of the cupcake, emitting molten filling and splitting the cupcake in two. Although all frosting melted, the white squiggle from the top was still distinguishable. In the second 30 seconds, the filling changed from white to clear, and the entire cupcake was coated with a boiling sugary film. Upon cooling, the melted frosting and filling solidified to rocklike hardness, creating a shellac-like outer covering for the now dehydrated cake. When soaked in hot water this outer covering did not dissolve, and the cupcake had to be thrown out rather than put down the garbage disposal, for fear of breaking it.
EXTREME COLD:
A cupcake was placed in a conventional freezer for one week. Upon removal, the cupcake was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical properties had noticeably "slowed": the filling was found to be the approximate consistency of acrylic paint, while exhibiting the mercurylike property of not adhering to practically any surface. It was noticed that the cupcake had generously absorbed freezer odors. Cupcake did not break when dropped on the floor, but the same results as the above radiation experiment were achieved when microwaved.
IMMERSION:
A cupcake was placed in a bowl of ordinary tap water and allowed to soak. It floated, with just the frosting above the surface of the water, emitting bubbles occatsionally. The cupcake had swelled visibly after one minute, but never achieved as marked size change as the twinkie. After two minutes, the red coloring in the cupcake began to leach out, and sank to the bottom half of the bowl. The frosting also began to dissolve from the edges of the cake at this point. After 25 minutes pieces of the cake began to float off when disturbed, and bubbles still issued forth from time to time. No further visible changes were evident after two hours, other than continued dissolving of frosting and disintigration when poked with a chopstick.
SUMMARY OF RESULTS
We regret not being able to complete all of the twinkie experiments on the cupcakes, but the results showed that the cupcakes were much more edible than twinkies (an interesting occurrence, since the ingredient lists for the two are virtually the same) so many cupcakes were consumed before and during testing. Further testing will be completed on the Hostess Cupcakes when more funding becomes available. To make up for the lack of data, Peeps yellow chick marshmallow Easter confections were also tested.
RADIATION:
When placed in the microwave for a minute, the Peep behaved as a normal marshmallow, ballooing to many times its usual size and coming out hot, puffy, and golden brown.
RADIATION II:
A Peep was placed firmly atop a Hostess Cupcake, and the two were microwaved for one minute. The Peep bahaved as above, but the cupcake split into many pieces, allowing the Peep to fall down into the center of the cake. Ensuing laughter prevented further detailing of the experiment.
CHEMICAL:
A Peep was placed in a mug of Clorox Bleach, where it floated quite cheerfully. After a few minutes, the yellow sugar coating had dissolved away, leaved a naked white peep. It was stirred regularly to addure and even coating of bleach, and after a few minutes the eyes fell off and floated on the top. The Peep began to shrink, due to being eaten by the bleach. After about 20 minutes, the bleach began to bubble as if carbonated, and when stirred created a head of foam that rapidly dissipated, giving off toxic fumes. The mug then was covered with a plastic baggie to prevent further inhalation of the fumes, which had already sent one person to bed early. At this point the mug was discovered to be considerably warmer than at the start of the experiment, despite being conducted at room temperature. The next morning, the Peep was found to be recognizable, albeit much smaller, and the eyes were intact and undamaged by the bleaching process.